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Outgrowing Friendships & Why Its Okay…

Throughout life we make friends. It’s almost impossible not to. We tend to gravitate towards people who are just like us. Or even people who are our complete opposites. Even the most anti social person on this planet has a circle of friends that they confide in and turn to when things go wrong. But sometimes life has a way of showing you who your real friends are. Not everyone is going to stick by you through everything. Situations are either going to pull you together or break you apart. But one thing I did notice, as we get older our friends change. We may have a few from childhood that are still around, but ultimately everything changes. Let me tell you why:

YOU’RE GOING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS– Friendships tend to lose their spark once you don’t hold the same interest or values anymore. Sometimes the people you meet during a certain time in your life are supposed to just stay there. The friendship has served its purpose and it’s time to just let it go. If you guys were meant to be friends, your paths will cross again and everything will fall into place. But until then, walk away with the same happy feelings you had move on.

YOU WEREN’T REALLY FRIENDS TO BEGIN WITH – you were just acquaintances. We tend to give the wrong people the “friend” title when it wasn’t really a friendship to begin with. Actual friendships take years of sacrifice, fights and sharing anything and everything about each other. That’s what a real friendship is. If you just hang out with the same people, party and go out drinking, or text faithfully in the group chat, and thats where it ends, NEWSFLASH thats not your friend ! They don’t know what makes you cry when you’re alone. They don’t know how to deal with you when you’re angry, They aren’t someone you would get out of bed for at 3am. etc.  They were just an acquaintance, Not a friend. Let’s stop confusing the two.

THERE’S NO EFFORT BEING MADE – Friendships, just like relationships require some type of effort. Not just making plans and flopping the day of. It requires mutually being there for each other when the sun is shining bright or when the rain won’t stop. It takes work to keep the friendship strong and alive. As we get older and we go into different places in lives and our circles expand and it’s almost impossible to remain friends with everyone you considered a friend. It’s a great thought at first but sometimes other things/people will take precedence over others. If you try to give yourself to everyone you’ll never have time for yourself. In the end you have to make a decision as to who you want around for the long haul and who doesn’t make the cut.

THERE’S GRUDGES BEING HELD – humans can be the most pettiest people alive. No one is perfect and sometimes you or your friends are gonna fuck up and make a mistake (something done once is a mistake anytime after that is a choice BUT WHATEVER..) but sometimes your friends just can’t get over it. Everyone has a breaking point. Sometimes you’ll stop speaking to someone over something small or something big. It all depends on what you feel at the moment. But if the are someone you really consider a friend, why end the friendship over something that can be talked through. Communication is the key in any relationship, friendships included. We shouldn’t lose friends because we aren’t able to communicate effectively what we didn’t like. We’re human. Forgive and move on.

Obviously there are more reasons why we lose friendships as we grow older. But honestly sometimes it’s for the best.I haven’t always been the perfect friend, but thats okay. At every point in your life you are changing and growing. If the people around you aren’t helping contribute to the person you are trying to become, then they can go. Not everyone is meant to be down for the ride. Always remember to never compromise your values for anyone and stay true to whoever you are.

Comment below on reasons why you ended friendships, or left friendships.

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Friends With Your Ex ?

We’ve all been there. In limbo. Debating whether we should stay friends after a break up. Letting go is never an easy thing. To ease the pain of a breakup, we consider being friends with our now ex. I personally feel like once you truly love someone it’s hard to just go back to being friends with them. Sometimes feelings don’t die as easily as we wish they did. So let me tell y’all, when you break up with someone (even if it’s a neutral break up) it’s best to cut all ties unless you plan on opening that door again. Here’s why,

YOU NEED SPACE – jumping straight into a friendship after a breakup isn’t going to help the healing process. You need to give yourself time away from your ex and get back to yourself. No matter how long the relationship was, it’s important to get back to a happy medium and grieve your relationships end. You’ve become so used to being a couple, that you have to relearn how to be an individual. It’s hard to do that when you’re still trying to be cordial. Texting and calling each other right away may also seem like a good idea. But it’s not. Give each other some space and then decide if a friendship is what’s best.

JEALOUSY WILL BE A THING – even if you guys decide to be friends there will be boundaries that will have to be set. You’re not going to want to hear about the new person in your ex’s life and vice Versa. Someone will get jealous and that’s pretty normal. If you guys been together for a while seeing them with someone else or even talking about someone else will make that little green monster rear it’s ugly head.

SOMEONE WILL WANT MORE – you may think that by being friends, things will remain strictly platonic. However if your ex does decide to move on and get with someone else, in the back of your mind you may still want another chance. You’ll make every attempt to win them back because that door was never really closed. But the reality is, staying friends was just a nice gesture on their end and they obviously want to move on with someone who isn’t you. Sorry not sorry.

MIXED FEELINGS – when you guys were together you saw all the wrong in your ex. Reasons why you guys broke up and what not. But being friends with them allows you to go back and see all the good in them. Things you may have not noticed before about them. It’ll make you think “why did I ever break up with such a good person” and blah blah blah. All it does is confuse your feelings for them and makes it easier to backslide into whatever it was that you guys had. Don’t let loneliness get you caught up.

YOU WILL HAVE SEX – Lets be real. As I’ve mentioned before, feelings and attraction don’t die as easily as we think they do. Being friends with your ex and going out for links and drinks will almost always have you guys ending up in bed together. It’s really hard to stay platonic friends with someone that you’ve had all these feelings for. ESPECIALLY sexual ones ! Don’t just be an easy piece of ass for them. Ignore the booty call phone calls and move on. Its super cliche but theres so many more fish in the sea. You could toss that one back in the water and pick a new one.

and last but not least

YOU HAVE OTHER FRIENDS – Its so unnecessary to be friends with your ex because you have other friends. You have your school friends, work friends, and whoever else. And lets be real, why would you wanna be friends with someone who broke your heart in the first place ? Some friend right. But no seriously its so pointless. The relationship ended for a reason. There’s no point into holding on to something that doesn’t wanna be held onto. To be honest, the only reason you should really stay friends with your ex is if y’all have kids together and what not. Other than that its completely okay to cut all ties forever.

Seriously we have to stop going backwards and leaving doors open and things unsaid. It doesn’t do anyone any good to keep revisiting old feelings and memories that are attached to your old relationship. Take this time to heal and get over everything that has happened and as I said make new friends. Explore and get back to yourself after a breakup. Don’t depend on your friendship with your ex to help you get over them. Save yourself the heartbreak and move on.

-The Not So Precious Gem

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Friends….What Benefits ?

Lets be real. We’ve all done it or tried to do it. Sex with no feelings attached with someone we know. Wether its to get over a break up or just because you’re not ready for a new commitment we go and take this route. “Friends with benefits” as its often referred to is just simply sleeping with someone you consider a friend but not in a serious relationship with. Casual sex if you wanna call it that. Emotionless relations with someone that you don’t even care about. Or if we care about them we want all the relationship perks without the actual commitment.

From my personal experience I’ve realized that theres so many things I could have done differently. So I made a list of 5 Dos and Don’ts that I feel like anyone who’s currently in or thinking about being in a FWB relationship should consider.

DO PROTECT YOURSELF – This goes beyond the whole “use condoms & get tested” speech that your friends may give you. Besides that, its important to protect your feelings and emotions and not allow yourself to get caught up in anything said in the heat of the moment. The whole purpose of the relationship is to have someone to hook up with. Nothing more unless y’all agreed upon something different.

DON’T FEEL COMPELLED TO SLEEPOVER – Once its all said and done its okay to just go home. Cuddling and pillow talking only leads to feelings getting involved. As my friend Melody would say “Don’t get under the covers, its a trap”. All that means is, cuddling is intimate and it could make one or both of you feel things that you didn’t intend to feel.

DON’T ENCOURAGE YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO HANG OUT WITH THEM- This one is pretty much self explanatory. If this is someone you have no intentions on being with in the long run, why introduce them to the people that matter ? When its all over you never wanna hear your mom or best friend ask “so what happened to so & so”. It could open old wounds (especially if it ended badly) and make you relive something that you’re trying to forget.

DO KEEP IT IN THE BEDROOM- meaning if a hook up or casual sex is all you want, leave it right there. Going out for links and drinks can only complicate things further and lead one or both of you into thinking its something more. If y’all are just hooking up, leave it at that.

Which leads me to the most important rule of them all:

DON’T CONVINCE YOURSELF THE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THAN WHAT IT IS- don’t get confused. When you initially entered the FWB relationship y’all mutually decided that this was all it was going to be. No matter how hard you try not to, one or both parties tend to catch feeling and potentially begin to fall in love. A lot of the time its unavoidable if you’re doing the above mentioned things. Most times its not always the woman who falls in love. But if you’re hooking up with someone and they made it very clear that you’re only a booty call to them, don’t try and convince yourself otherwise. You’re only going to hurt yourself in the long run.

I personally feel like FWB relationship always end badly. Its kind of like how I feel about side chicks. The outcome is never what you think or want it to be. If you do end up spending time with the person and developing actual feelings, you could end up losing a friend. So just think to yourself “is the sex worth losing a good friend over?” A lot of the time its not. But if you insist on jumping into one of these relationships, keep the Dos & Don’ts in the front of your mind and save yourself the heartbreak.

– The Not So Precious Gem

Lifestyle · Uncategorized

The Truth About Side Chicks

Over the last few years, the media has glorified being a side chick. In music, movies and television, it seems like its okay to be someone’s number 2. Now we all know somebody that knows somebody, or is that somebody who has been a “side chick.” Personally I don’t like the term but for the sake of this post I’ll use it. Let me make one thing clear, I’m very honest. So yes I’ll admit that I have played the side on one or two occasions. There aren’t many people who will say that they’ve played the side for someone. Or will say that they’ve tried to break up a relationship. (I honestly feel like if something was real it can’t be broken. Tested maybe, but never broken.)

But yes, I Domonique Diamond was a side chick. Now I’m not bragging or boasting about it. It was just a situation that started out so innocent and I ended up getting caught up. The one thing I did eventually learn was there’s nothing cute about being a side chick. Everything is always fun and games in the beginning because the excitement from sneaking around…but then reality hits. Emotions get involved and then someone if not everyone is left hurt. You find yourself wanting to make your newly found love public, but you can’t because they’re already public with someone else. For me, I was so infatuated with the person I was creeping with, I didn’t care about the person they were in a relationship with.  It wasn’t any of my business. I didn’t make a commitment with them. So why should I have cared. My thought process was so childish, but its sad to say that there are people who think exactly like this. Nothing mattered to me but my feelings which eventually got super hurt.

What sparked this topic for me was a post I saw on twitter. It was something along the lines of “you can’t wreck a home if you weren’t let in.” I honestly feel like this is true though. If your significant other never opened the door for the “side chick” how did they get in the picture. Now lets not front ladies, sometimes we’re so persistent that no girlfriend is gonna stop us from getting what we want. Whether its simple conversation or a nightcap we’re always determined to get the “prize”. What it ultimately comes down to is you have to check your partner. You can’t be out here mad at the next woman because your man out here in her face and entertaining her.  Men you guys aren’t exempt from this either. You guys claim to be so happy in your relationships but forever sneaking and creeping and sliding in the next girls DMs. Contrary to popular belief you CAN’T have your cake and eat it too. It just doesn’t work that way.

But let me bring it back to the “side chicks”. You ladies knowingly jump into a situationship with someone and then catch feelings about everything. You end up mad about everything him and his girlfriend post on any social media. Not to mention you go out of your way to stalk the girlfriends page so you have something to bring up in the group chat. (we all have one and we all do it lol) To be honest, I was that person. Anytime anything was posted I was quick to screenshot and send to my girls. Then I would make sure to have a slick comment to say when I spoke to him. I would be so hurt behind it all because I wanted it to be me. I knew what I was getting myself into, but did it really matter? Eventually I had to give myself the only reality check. I had to ask myself so many times why did I continue to trip about someone who had someone?

I say all that to say this, we as women need to value ourselves a little more. We forever have to remind ourselves to never settle and be comfortable being someones number 2. If he can’t give you his all, you have to walk away and give him NOTHING! We also have to remember nobody can’t wreck your home if they weren’t invited in. Its just time for everyone to find their own bae (lol) because being out here trying to sleep with someone in a relationship is only going to build up bad karma for you and leave you heartbroken.

Final word of advice: playing the side, being number 2, the other woman, the side chick whatever you want to call it, NEVER WORKS OUT IN THE END. Save yourself the heartbreak and leave that man alone.

-The Not So Precious Gem